A Hard Pill To Swallow

We've had a couple of days to let the dust settle and to think about all that has transpired.  I have to admit, this disappointing outcome has been hard to swallow.  It wasn't just any job.  We thought it was the perfect job, the job.  We (us and the church) shared common visions about wanting to reach out to the community in which the church is in, and invest in young people's lives through discipleship and relationships. We really thought we would connect well with the second generation Asian Canadians at the church.  John had not only invested his time and energy going through the whole three month process of applying and candidating but he began emotionally investing in many of the young people there.  There was real connection. 

I am left feeling puzzled because this whole time I never once doubted that this is where we were supposed to be.  John and I actually felt this unexplainable peace about applying for this position.  On more than one occasion, the English pastor at the church said we could back out of this at any time if we felt unsure or felt this wasn't the way God was directing us.  We never felt that way.  This was why I was so certain we were going to get this position.  It wasn't necessarily because I thought John had the credentials or experience because I'm sure there are many other people who are more qualified, but I felt it was a special appointment (maybe that's too strong of a word but you know what I mean).  Believe me, I'm usually not one to be all confident about getting a job.  Call me crazy.  I know God is mysterious and there is always a good reason for everything. . . but, COME ON. 

I can't help but wonder whether there was anything different we could have done.  Maybe I got a little carried away about the whole prospect of John getting a job.  I thought about how nice it would be to have some stability in our lives.  I thought now we could get a decent van and maybe in the future think about investing in a home I've always wanted (I say 'I' because John doesn't really think we need to put down roots, especially in a home.  I know it's an MK thing. . .)  Perhaps I began to equate stability to a job rather than equating it to God.  God is the ultimate stabilizer whatever we do.  He gives us our jobs.  My sights were no longer solely on God but now on this job.  How easy it was to forget Him.

Now that we're back to Zero, I have no idea what's ahead.  We'll have to probably start raising support and looking for work (whatever form that may be) again.  We're emotionally tired right now and hopefully Christmas break will give us some time to rest and recharge.